Walking toward change.

I started going for daily walks back in late April or early May of this year. It was right after Neal and I had our big argument. He moved out saying "I never want to talk to you again", and he hasn't since then. I felt crazy at the time. Hurt and terribly confused, I started walking as a way to burn off some of the very negative energy I had. It gave me time to think, or to not think, a time of peace in every painful day.

Being overweight, at first it was difficult. I would get nasty shin splints about 20 minutes into each walk. After 30-35 the pain would subside, thankfully. Pain or no pain, I miraculously kept going.

In the beginning I would walk on the little dead end road we live on, back and forth 10-15 times before work. Then, in late May I started walking on the Cedar River/Lake Wilderness Trail on my lunch breaks. The trail is an an abandoned rail line built to haul coal from mines in the Cascade foothills to settlements in the lowlands. It is paved from Lake Washington to Maple Valley with compacted gravel the remainder of the distance. I walk only on the gravel portion. The trail is largely surrounded by woods. The trees in most places make a nice sheltering canopy overhead. And, it's quiet. I rarely see more than 4 or 5 people in a 45-50 min stretch, even on the nicest days.

Now, I walk twice a day whenever possible. What started as a chore has become a joy, espeically my lunchtime trail walk. Getting up at 5-5:30 am to walk can still be a bit difficult. But, I am always glad I made the effort.

I listen to a lot of different things when I walk. Sometimes music, but most of the time I listen to spiritual audiobooks. All of the audiobooks are based on Eastern philosophy. I have learned a great deal so far. Most of the learning has been "unlearning" bad habits and negative conditioning. I am trying to take it one wee little step at a time.

This week my focus has been on doing little everyday things with 'purpose'. This could be anything, washing dishes, folding laundry, taking the trash out, etc. So, when I walk, I don't 'just walk', I try hard pay attention to everything. The way my feet feel with every step. The way the gravel crunches under my sandals. The way my joints and muscles move, flex and relax, just exactly as they are meant to. How my arms swing, keeping my body in balance as I move along the trail. My breathing, clean air in and out, my abdomen expanding and contracting. As silly as this may sound, this intense 'paying attention' made an enormous difference in just the simple act of walking. It made me feel more alive, more aware, and definitely more a part of my natural surroundings. Oddly enough, this 'doing with purpose', brings with it, a tremendous sense of peace.

In the past, I have always been goal oriented. "Nothing has a purpose without a goal." I am finding that this is completely wrong. The joy needs to be in the doing, not in the prospective completion of a goal. I think this is where I am going wrong with art, too. I sit down and can't seem to think of 'something to paint' (or draw, as the case may be). But ....Does there have to be a 'something'? Can't I just apply paint to paper and see what happens? Can't I find the joy in the process? Can't I just paint with purpose for the fun of it? I think I can, indeed.

I will try this a bit over the weekend. Maybe, as with the walking, I'll find that there is peace in the doing, and happiness in the change.